pinafore said: How exciting, both your personal growth and your upcoming move. Hope you post lots of pictures!
In a few days I will be leaving again. I’m worried about everything that could go wrong, but at the same time I am really excited. I feel like this is going to be a good thing.
I’ve moved so many times (17 schools before I turned 18 and a lot moving since then), but there’s always a sense that you can start over and try again. You can be a different person almost. I’m trying not to be a different person this time just a better version of myself. Something clicked a couple months ago and I’ve been making an effort to be nicer, kinder, and more understanding. I guess what I mean is that sometimes people aren’t that great, but maybe they are struggling too so it doesn’t hurt to be kind even when you don’t want to be.
I don’t know if that makes sense, but I’m trying really hard. Maybe it’s all apart of growing up. I think that’s what I’m doing.
Everything is packed. I’m in temporary housing. My dog has every kind of paperwork known to mankind to get to Kyrgyzstan. I think his crate is big enough. I’m still trying to pack everything I need in my suitcases, but I feel like it will all work out.
Granted, last time I massively panicked before my first flight to Nigeria so I’m kind of waiting for the anxiety to kick in (you know the part where you want to stick your head between your knees). When I feel like that, I tell myself I have to stay calm for my dog, who is already confused as to why we are in a random apartment in a different city. It’s odd how having to take care of someone else is an anchor to keep you calm. I’m currently letting him explore everything so that he’s not so nervous when we get there. We are currently going through the “I’m going to sniff strangers in the elevator phase.” Sometimes he looks at me like “what’s happening?” But at least we won’t be separated this time.
It’s not often that I feel proud of myself. Or say it. But Monday after my Russian test, I really did feel proud. I had been studying by myself since December in my spare time and even though my 0/0+ score seems silly. To me, it’s an accomplishment. It’s progress from absolutely nothing to this:
"The baseline level of the scale is no proficiency, rated 0. The following describes the traits of an ILR Level 0 individual:
- oral production limited to occasional, isolated words
- may be able to ask questions or make statements with reasonable - - - accuracy only with memorized utterances or formulae
- unable to read connected prose but may be able to read numbers, isolated words and phrases, personal and place names, street signs, office and shop designations
- understanding limited to occasional isolated words or memorized utterances in areas of immediate needs.
- may be able to produce symbols in an alphabetic or syllabic writing system or 50 of the most common characters”
And it’s something I can continue working on. It means that the plan I have created is working and I’m making progress. It feels good. I feel good. Granted there are bumps and days where I don’t feel awesome, but they are just that.
It’s like realizing that you are actively trying to grow up and do good things with your life. Getting assaulted with that stupid metal pole was a terrible thing along with a lot of other terrible things. I struggled a lot, but I also worked really hard to recover and keep moving forward. I’m not going to say I’m glad it happened, because I really could have done without bleeding profusely, 11 staples, and the myriad of terrible after but I am glad that I figured out how to survive it despite it taking a long time.
Most of the time, I give off the vibe of a pessimist (in my defense I think I’m more of a realist). But deep down there’s a part of me that’s really optimistic and hopeful. I’ve found that to keep trying you need hope. So I’m hopeful.